The views and opinions expressed in this piece are the author’s and do not necessarily represent the position of Positive Women’s Network – USA.

June 22, 2020

by: Angel Stetson

Sitting here thinking how deadlines keep passing. I wonder what my why is? I found after spending so much time with my “little one” she is my why, yet motivation is so concreted that I can not seem to stir it up. 
I am a survivor and thriver through the years living with HIV since 1997. If you have read any of my blogs, you will get an idea of the triumphs and losses I have been through. All of them were learning experiences in one way or another. 
This quarantine is lifted and here in Florida the cases are skyrocketing again. [Gov Ron] DeSantis is considering another lockdown. I am overwhelmed at the clinic I use. I know they do awesome with the telehealth visits; I really love the access. They won’t refill my meds because I won’t comply and go to the lab. I went once last week. Ugh, FML, SO MANY PEOPLE!!! I had to leave. I don’t do these situations well. I do my conferences well and outreach because those are my people. They don’t stare, ask dumb questions ( really none of their business) point, or just act as if I don’t belong there. 

The masks are great and it covers the worst of Lupus. I get so scared and overwhelmed that my immune system won’t be able to take on much more. I will be going back to try yet again to get through this. What is simple to one person is not to another. The silver lining of cleaning my closet while bored is that I found a month’s supply of meds from when I was not being adherent. 
As life runs on past me these days, I don’t even chase her. I am aware of my potential and possibilities, after all, I am me. I may be a mother however I didn’t raise her. I ran a successful business for 10 years that was not mine, and when he sold, I was not even given a second look; it was no, so that was taken. I have owned three houses in my life since age 19, yet I rent a room.
When did my mental health escape me? Was it the rapes? The trauma from seeing the things I have seen? Trauma from abuse, IPV, and drugs? Well, none of that matters as long as I get up out of bed and give myself a fair shot every day. As I persevere to the finish line,  I can thank my lucky stars for the ability to be able to do for myself. 
I have had my psyche meds changed twice in a month. I need some serious motivational help. I like and embrace change, so why do I stand in this puddle making it seem as if I am lost in the ocean? Kayley is my runner, and I think she is back. I struggle the most when she surfaces ( Kayley is my other personality, my fears, and my anger). So to my own self be true. The heck with deadlines and crowds. This too shall pass as long as I continue in forwarding motion I will get there.
I’m not sure this makes sense. I have been a survivor all my life living with HIV, surviving cancer, and living with Lupus and addiction .I know I am anything from weak. 
On the note of COVID 19, this rehashes so many thoughts of watching friends die in the ’80s and ’90s. I am so saddened. Taking the time to listen to yourself would be my advice. The tortoise and the hare is a great story. We may all be going to the same place, but we will not all travel the same path or at the same speed.
I will leave this here and go to the lab. I will show up today. Maybe tomorrow will be a new set of my why for the day; I will achieve little successes every time I suit up and show up. My sincere apologies to those I let down over this year.

In solidarity, Angel S.