The views and opinions expressed in this piece are the author’s and do not necessarily represent the position of Positive Women’s Network – USA.
by Connie Shearer
PWN Nevada State Lead
March 31, 2020
According to TheHotline.org, on average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States — more than 12 million women and men over the course of a year. A disproportionate number of them are living with HIV. I won’t fill this blog with those stats; if you don’t know them, they are staggering. I am here to share something different with y’all.
In January 2020, I was able to finally leave a seven-year relationship filled with abuse of so many different varieties it was hard to distinguish some of it as abuse until I was in so deep and was so dependent on this person emotionally and financially that it was almost impossible to leave. I was still on disability and making less than $1000 a month or $10,000 a year. Now, compare that to what you live on and tell me if you could just take off and start over and feel safe to do it. Most can’t, if you did, you’re a badass – I hope you are advocating and telling others how to do it. We need your help.
Thankfully, this time it ended for good. I have been working for years on a plan to escape and I finally did it.
But not without going through a withdrawal period that many survivors associate with the withdrawal symptoms of addiction. And some of us don’t make it through that. I learned that many survivors die within the first month to six months after leaving because of suicide. People do not fully understand co-dependency. Some of us can’t take the being alone, and some of us don’t make it through the healing process.
This blog is dedicated to all those people.
I am here because this is what I need now as a survivor of intimate partner violence (IPV)—also known as domestic violence (DV)–and I am having trouble finding support that fits into my lifestyle, so I decided to speak out about it.
I saw many of my relatives living in abusive relationships in the past and never understood how intricate and tangled the whole process is when someone is groomed or preyed upon because of their insecurities that they may not even be aware of, and work to keep the abused partner isolated and cut off.
These days I am thankful to be isolating.
I am terrified of large groups.
I am worried every time I see a car that looks like his or see someone from the back with his body type and hairstyle.
What I need is telehealth—being able to have medical appointments by phone or videoconference. It is slowly coming to my city, but it’s still only at a few places. So, instead of balking at disruptive innovations, and having agencies tell me they can’t do video because of privacy and they can’t do paperwork online because of privacy rules, we need to embrace and implement these safety measures as the healing component that it provides. I am willing to sign anything that says I will not sue you if some hacker breaches your mainframe. Other agencies are providing it, so those managing should be doing the legwork and reach out and ask them how they are doing it, bring that information back, and use it to serve their clients.
I am so grateful for videoconferences, Zoom calls, and friends who are willing to check in via a text.
I can’t tolerate an in-person support group at all right now and honestly, I can’t even go into a closed room with someone–even if they are a doctor–to save my life. I would rather isolate and allow my body time to heal the wounds enough for me to venture outside my house.
I still cry when someone asks me about it, so that tells me I am still in “victim mode.” That hurts and brings me down, because as someone who hiked more than 5000 miles to heal her body after carbon monoxide poisoning, I feel I should be stronger; but it is part of the process. I must give myself time.
On that note, I decided to help that healing along by creating this blog that is full of information and ideas about current options available to those people who may be experiencing intimate partner violence.
If you are experiencing isolation, I suggest reaching out to a local online support group or group where you can call in via phone like Zoom or conference calls. (PWN recently launched a virtual support group—you can sign up here to be added to the list to get information about upcoming meetings.) There are also national chat lines open and able to chat if you need to communicate silently.
I will admit when I searched for domestic violence/intimate partner violence groups on Facebook, I only found a few – I thought there would be more. That tells me how big the stigma is around this and that there are too many people who still think, “well, you should just leave” or “you should just call the cops” or “how could you love someone who hurts you?” Some of them need to learn that they are perpetuating the problem by not offering realistic options.
What does a realistic option look like? Finding a resource and getting the information from them yourself so that you can share that information with the survivor to use when they are ready.
When I left, it was before this pandemic broke out, and the stress and abuse was happening at least once a week. When COVID-19 forced everyone to stay inside, all I could think about was all those women, children, and men trapped in the house with their abusers. So, I reached out to the National Domestic Hotline and I asked Chat Advocate 40 for information about what survivors should do to combat IPV or DV during the COVID-19 pandemic. When I reached out to them, I explained that I am a survivor and that I was only a few months on the other side of recovery and looking for information to share with other survivors during the COVID-19 turn of events.
Here is that conversation.
Advocate 40
How COVID-19 can impact survivors:
• Abusive partners may withhold necessary items for survivors to avoid getting sick, such as hand sanitizer or disinfectants, or face masks if the survivor is sick.
• Survivors are at risk for increased isolation – quarantines or “social distancing” can cut them off from crucial sources of support and safety, and put them at risk of increased abuse.
• Abusive partners may share misinformation about the pandemic to control or frighten survivors, or to prevent them from seeking appropriate medical attention if they have symptoms.
• Survivors without insurance or in rural areas may have very limited or no access to healthcare if they suspect they have symptoms.
• Abusive partners may withhold insurance cards, threaten to cancel insurance, or prevent survivors from seeking medical attention if they need it.
• The economic impact of COVID-19 may be enormous; survivors & abusive partners may experience financial burdens like reduced income or lost jobs, higher debts, and medical expenses. The stress of these economic losses may also escalate the frequency and/or severity of the abuse.
• Programs that serve survivors may be severely impact in terms of demand and ability to meet that demand. Shelters may be full or may even stop intakes altogether. Survivors may fear being in close quarters with groups of people.
• Survivors who are older or have chronic heart or lung conditions may be at in-creased risk in public places where they would typically get support, like shelters, counseling centers, or courthouses.
• Travel restrictions may impact a survivor’s escape plan – it may not be safe for them to use public transportation or to fly.
Safety Planning around COVID-19 Concerns
• Check with local DV programs about what steps they’re taking to address the COVID-19 outbreak, or if their programs will be restricting services or admission to shelters.
• Check with your state’s DV coalition on any steps being taken statewide to support survivors during the outbreak.
• If your abusive partner is preventing you from washing your hands or using disinfectants to clean, consider hiding any sup-plies you have and using them in secret.
• Identify a list of key contacts at your local and state health departments, doctors, and clinics in your area.
• If you are packing or have already packed a go-bag, make sure to include soap, alcohol-based hand sanitizer, tissues, small trash baskets, and disposable face masks.
• Plan for less shelter availability – consider alternatives to shelter such as staying with family or friends, staying in motels, sleeping in your vehicle, etc.
• If you are quarantined in your home with your abusive partner, have a safety plan for what tactics they may use against you.
• Protect yourself from misinformation by staying up-to-date on COVID-19 facts and myths.
• If you usually meet with a counselor, case manager, attorney, legal advocate, etc. face-to-face, talk about the possibility of meeting remotely instead.
Safety Planning if You are Leaving or Traveling
• If you are leaving or traveling, consider the safest ways for you to travel (for example, if you are over 60 or have a chronic heart or lung condition, you may consider driving instead of flying, or walking/biking instead of using public transportation).• Know where the health centers are where you’re going, and keep their phone numbers in a safe place.
• Check updates from the CDC regularly to know if you are traveling to an area considered to be a “hotspot”.
• Be extra mindful of good hygiene practices while traveling – wash your hands regularly, avoid touching your face, minimize contact with surfaces that other people have had contact with, etc.
Advocate 40
Emotional Safety Planning
Because times of pandemic can cause great stress and anxiety, and because the impact of COVID-19 can escalate abusive tactics while reducing sources of support, it is important to discuss emotional safety planning with any survivors expressing concerns about COVID-19 or the impact it is having on their relationship or mental health.
• If you are isolated, try to maintain social connections online or over the phone, if it is safe to do so, and try to stick to your daily routines as much as possible.
• Be mindful of your needs and feelings, and try to engage in self-care activities when possible.
• If you are feeling stressed by the constant stream of news about COVID-19, dedicate a set amount of time each day to read the news and check for updates.
https://www.thehotline.org/2020/03/13/staying-safe-during-covid-19/
Advocate 40
There can be emotional, physical, sexual, digital, and economic abuse. Spiritual abuse comes up sometimes, but that falls under the emotional abuse umbrella. Abuse is also all about exerting power and control and stems from personality flaws, which are very hard to change. A person can learn to control their behavior, but often times abusers still have the same thoughts/mindset and urges even after they “change” or learn to stop behaving abusively. The abuse really has nothing to do with what the target does or doesn’t do or anything wrong with them. The abuser would treat anyone that way. There’s also no such thing as mutual abuse.
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/why-people-abuse/
http://www.thehotline.org/2016/01/25/myth-of-mutual-abuse/
http://www.thehotline.org/2013/09/is-change-possible-in-an-abuser/
The next thing I did was sign up as a certified LGBTQ+ crisis advocate to help staff an upcoming Crisis Hotline through The Center here in Las Vegas. We will be launching it on April 6. I am having calls routed to my phone 5am – 8am and 5pm – 8 pm Sunday – Friday to help our local LGBTQ+ community, which is more vulnerable than most when it comes to depression, suicide, substance abuse, sexual assault, discrimination, and even intimate partner violence.
As this pandemic sends its waves out, people are more isolated, many have lost jobs (or now have an extended gap on finding employment); some who self-medicate have lost access to the source of their addiction (e.g., gambling). Youth are out of school and many are stuck in the house with parents who are stressed and non-supportive. Anti-violence agencies are already seeing an increase in numbers of people calling into emergency hotlines, and many hotlines are overwhelmed with wait periods.
I circle back around to the importance of having that human connection, and the importance of offering telehealth to our communities most at risk right now. Disruptive innovations are the future and offer people who cannot leave their homes the access they need to treatment that is normally reserved for the privileged who can make it into your office. Online resources also mean that services could be extended to include weekend hours, since many people are employed at essential jobs and the stress of a change in our work habits or risk of exposure to COVID-19 if we work, for example, at a grocery, and fear of taking that home is causing another layer of abuse to start. We should not be punished and forced to lose pay so that we can fit into your schedule.
This is a growing and demanding need that has to be met. Telehealth is one answer. In the time of the coronavirus pandemic, it’s more urgent than ever.