The views and opinions expressed in this piece are the author’s and do not necessarily represent the position of Positive Women’s Network – USA.
March 31, 2020
By Angel Stetson
Intimate partner violence started with drug use at the age of 15. I would allow others to have control over my thoughts and behaviors, warding off the pain with drugs and alcohol. I chose to get what I thought I needed and basic living essentials from others instead of being dependent on myself. I was taken in by the shiny allure of things I could receive, not realizing the price tag that came with it.
It was not until I decided to get clean that I recognized the patterns I was repeating. Yes, it sounds like, “I chose this, so I should be able to stop it.” That is not as easy as it sounds, although I saw that only after many years of believing I was the shit. It was not true: I was being exploited by bad choices, and once the power was no longer mine, I was then treated with disrespect, violence, verbal abuse, withholding.
It gets very cloudy and grey trying to remove yourself when you don’t realize what it means to get out. First, some partners or supposed friends will follow or try to make you look so bad in the eyes of others you begin to believe the lies they sell you.
When we rely on others for our daily needs they can become powerful forces over us. We lose our voice and are rendered helpless and hopeless (especially when HIV, lupus, and addiction rear their heads). IPV does not only happen among people with addiction; it can happen in nice, well-to-do homes and in the workplace too. IPV can entail physical and emotional abuse; it can entail withholding necessities, like medications or money.
Today I have survived intimate partner violence (IPV). I have a voice and I have a plan. I was accustomed to my way of living and believed it was love. I think this is why some women accept or even seek out abuse at times: it’s the only love they know or think they deserve.
I tell you now, it’s all a lie.
You are not the issues people have with themselves. You are not the cause of someone’s own displeasure with themselves. You are only responsible for your own actions. You cannot make someone into a monster; they are what’s inside them.
I want to share with you my experience of getting out.
First, I had to come to believe I was worth it. I quit using and learned to take care of my own needs. I did not do this alone. I reached out; I said what was going on.
For me, when I started treatment for HIV, I made three awesome women friends who to this day are my go-to women; I literally trusted them with my life. I can always be honest even when we don’t agree. I was fortunate to have these options to share what was happening with people I could trust. We made a safe escape plan, and I was able to leave.
For myself, at the point I decided to get clean, only then could I see that I was searching for love in the form of material things, which in hindsight always led to toxic relationships. I really thought I had it all, until I saw the truth and became willing to love myself enough to stop anyone from hurting me anymore.
Whether it’s by bullying or character assassination, hurting others to gain power is a slimy way to get to the top. I do not accept bad behavior towards me, and I will be the first to stand up for you.
Today, I encourage men and woman to talk about IPV with your case manager, doctor, or a trusted friend; someone who can help you process what is really going on and that it’s not your fault and help you understand that you can live a healthy non-violent life.
Together we can find solutions to what disturbs us. IPV is a real thing happening daily. We do not have to become victims. If you find yourself in this situation, please seek help. Rise up and reach out. For me, it was the clinic and the women they employed that saved my life. We really are not alone in this fight.
Sometimes for myself I find reaching out is the hardest part. I went through this cycle so many times before I could identify that I was the common denominator in the issues I faced. I had to see I didn’t need; I wanted.
Life has changed a lot since taking back my voice. I feel a peace in knowing I do not need to make someone else’s happiness my priority. I can make my happiness a priority, and then my cup will flow over to others.
Today, I am much more observant of the people I hang around. How do they treat their mothers and sisters–for me, that’s a good start. I am not quick to accept gifts and when I don’t have, I have learned to go without or earn it myself. I am not living in fear and walking on eggshells. I make my own choices.
You leave what you can’t carry. In my case, I have a record. There was no help, only direction and suggestions. It was a leap of faith like no other. I’m not out of IPV completely. I consider a person screaming in my face and trying to put me down negatively to be of that nature. For example, yesterday someone I know is violent called me. I was hungry, so I went to get some food with said person. Then the mouth started, and before we left, I had to throw his car in park and let myself out. This I experience often–with so many visible ailments, I’m an easy target for those who are upset with themselves.
I know today that not everyone wants you to succeed, so for them, trying to bring you to their level is necessary. I call it abuse of power or IPV. I find it’s very difficult to get away from this behavior when I am forced to be in need of food and basic necessities. What a vicious cycle we can get into. The last relationship we left. I say “we,” for others helped. I left with nothing and went into a program of recovery and mental abuse help. Through therapy and learning to value myself again, I am able to discern a good relationship from a toxic one at the beginning, before I get sucked into a cycle of abuse.
Whether I use or don’t use, I have value, and I will not accept this behavior toward me from anyone. Today I exit stage left without doubting myself or being afraid of what I may lose, because I have gained self-esteem and respect and love for myself. Each time I say “No, I will not and no, you will not.”
I hope if anyone is reading this that feels stuck reaches out in a safe manner–IPV is dangerous; you have to treat it as such. My love and ongoing support to women and men everywhere–may you find your safe shelter and live again.
In Solidarity and Love,
Angel S.