by DonnaAugust 6, 2019
Hello! My name is Donna. I am originally from Vietnam but currently reside in Wichita, Kansas. I am 45 years old with two beautiful children from a previous marriage (a 12-year-old girl and a 20-year-old boy). I am now engaged to the love of my life, Henry Calderon, Jr. We had been together off and on for seven years before finally deciding that we did not want to live without each other any longer. We have been together since.
Henry and I are a serodifferent couple, which means that one partner is HIV positive while the other is HIV negative. In our case, my loving fiancé is HIV positive and I am HIV negative. I knew about Henry’s status before we officially decided to become a couple. Since I had worked in the medical field for 20+ years and had done some reports on HIV/AIDS while in college, I was somewhat knowledgeable of this disease. The purpose of my story is to let readers know that even though some people or events in life might try to break you down, having a life full of love, hope, and joy is still possible especially if you or your partner has been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS.
Having HIV/AIDS does not mean that it is a death sentence like in the late 1980’s/early 1990’s. Today, you just have to make some lifestyle adjustments, and if you take and stay on your HIV medications, you can live the normal life that you rightfully deserve. The earlier you start treatment, the sooner you will be able to find the right medication(s) that will work best for you. They also have medicine prescribed by a medical doctor that can prevent your HIV-negative partner from getting HIV as well. I would still recommend, however, that you still use a condom if you have intercourse with multiple partners. Although Truvada can help to prevent you or your partner from getting HIV, there is no absolute guarantee. It does not protect you against any other sexually-transmitted diseases, such as Chlamydia, Hepatitis, or Gonorrhea.
For Henry and I, even though he has been undetectable for 19 out of 23 years, I worried about him passing HIV to me. To give him some peace of mind, I agreed to take a pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), called Truvada, last year. To this day, I remain HIV negative.
Whether it be via natural childbirth or adoption, living with HIV/AIDS should not discourage you or your partner from having a family of your own. In fact, modern medicine has had miraculous breakthroughs that have made it possible for HIV-positive women to give birth to HIV-negative babies. With proper treatment, HIV-positive men can also impregnate HIV-negative women as well, with the same result. I know this because Henry and I have discussed this thoroughly with our world-renowned HIV specialist, Dr. Donna Sweet.
Henry never had any biological children but always wanted at least one. Since I love children and the idea of giving him one of his own, Henry and I decided last year to try to have a baby. Unfortunately just like some HIV negative couples, we ran into complications of infertility. I have a lot of non-HIV related health issues, including diabetes and polycystic ovaries that have contributed to my infertility status. With me being 45 and Henry 54, this also adds to our problem to conceive.
Because we have been in a financial hardship, we have not been able to go any further other than seeing an OBGYN and taking fertility pills every month. So far, it has been unsuccessful. We plan on giving it until the end of this year, and if the result remains the same, we will look into possibly becoming foster parents and/or adopting. I would prefer a child conceived from our love, but I will take him or her whichever way the good Lord grants us. There are so many orphaned children out there or children that need proper guidance and love, and we have so much love to give. Plus, in addition to my two children, I would like for Henry to experience all the crazy emotions that come with raising an infant.
Unfortunately, stigma still exists in today’s society. Both Henry and I experienced this firsthand. When I first introduced my kids to Henry, I did not want to tell them about his status yet. I wanted to let them get to know him as a person and not for what illness he had. My son was OK with me being with Henry as long as he made me happy, but my daughter fell absolutely in love with him within a short amount of time.
When my ex-husband eventually found out about Henry being HIV positive, he went into a rage and tried everything he could to separate us. He even went as far as getting a court order to force me to either have my parenting visitations with my children (without Henry) at a court-ordered facility (paid by me) or to have them taken away from me altogether. As long as I decided to be with Henry, I was not allowed to spend time with my children like I used to be able to.
My health problems progressed to the point that I could no longer work. Henry and I could not afford the astronomical amount of money it took for me to see them for the time that I was allowed. It was three weeks straight without seeing, holding, or hugging my precious babies. My children (and Henry) are the reason I breathe, and not being able to tell them how much we loved them broke my heart so much that I went into a deep depression. I lost 20 pounds during the three weeks without them. I was only allowed to speak to my son and daughter once via telephone during our separation. My daughter was crying profusely. I still remember her trying to catch her breath while immensely sobbing, to tell me that her father had said Henry was “sick.” He also said that she and her brother could not see me anymore as long as Henry and I were still together. She was only eight years old at the time.
I filed a “Motion for Reconsideration” with the judge to reverse the ruling. Thanks to one of the most awesome law firms in town (Brad Ward with O’Hara & O’Hara) that took our case pro-bono, we were finally able to reverse the previous court’s decision. Within my immediate family, it took time for some of them to accept Henry as part of the family. My biggest supporter during that time was my 15-year-old niece. Without her, Henry, and God to give me the love and support that I desperately needed, things could have ended up worse than it already had.
On our first day together again as a family, I learned that my ex had brainwashed my son through telling him that it was my fault that all of this happened. He was 15 at the time. I eventually got my son to understand my side of the story, but I waited four months before he said he loved me again. My daughter was very excited to spend time with her mom and future step-dad again. My ex had told her prior to me picking them up that she was not allowed to give Henry kisses on the cheek or hug him, among other normal things.
After sitting her down and educating her about HIV/AIDS (using information from the CDC), she instantly felt relieved and immediately gave Henry a hug and kiss on the cheek. Things have gotten much better between me, Henry, and the kids now. Sadly my ex is still trying to stigmatize them. Now that they are older, especially my daughter, they are finally starting to see the error of their father’s ways. Our youngest now attends local conferences with Henry, and she has two shirts she loves to wear with messages against HIV stigma.
Having this personal experience of almost losing my children over Henry’s HIV status, I am appalled that the government has removed children from asylum seeking families. We wanted to share our experience and story to help people see how much this hurts people. There is no good which may come from it. We condemn what has happened and is happening. We hope you will stand with us against practices like this which further stigma and ignorance about HIV. This practice is completely morally wrong.
Henry and I are a serodifferent couple, which means that one partner is HIV positive while the other is HIV negative. In our case, my loving fiancé is HIV positive and I am HIV negative. I knew about Henry’s status before we officially decided to become a couple. Since I had worked in the medical field for 20+ years and had done some reports on HIV/AIDS while in college, I was somewhat knowledgeable of this disease. The purpose of my story is to let readers know that even though some people or events in life might try to break you down, having a life full of love, hope, and joy is still possible especially if you or your partner has been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS.
Having HIV/AIDS does not mean that it is a death sentence like in the late 1980’s/early 1990’s. Today, you just have to make some lifestyle adjustments, and if you take and stay on your HIV medications, you can live the normal life that you rightfully deserve. The earlier you start treatment, the sooner you will be able to find the right medication(s) that will work best for you. They also have medicine prescribed by a medical doctor that can prevent your HIV-negative partner from getting HIV as well. I would still recommend, however, that you still use a condom if you have intercourse with multiple partners. Although Truvada can help to prevent you or your partner from getting HIV, there is no absolute guarantee. It does not protect you against any other sexually-transmitted diseases, such as Chlamydia, Hepatitis, or Gonorrhea.
For Henry and I, even though he has been undetectable for 19 out of 23 years, I worried about him passing HIV to me. To give him some peace of mind, I agreed to take a pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), called Truvada, last year. To this day, I remain HIV negative.
Whether it be via natural childbirth or adoption, living with HIV/AIDS should not discourage you or your partner from having a family of your own. In fact, modern medicine has had miraculous breakthroughs that have made it possible for HIV-positive women to give birth to HIV-negative babies. With proper treatment, HIV-positive men can also impregnate HIV-negative women as well, with the same result. I know this because Henry and I have discussed this thoroughly with our world-renowned HIV specialist, Dr. Donna Sweet.Henry never had any biological children but always wanted at least one. Since I love children and the idea of giving him one of his own, Henry and I decided last year to try to have a baby. Unfortunately just like some HIV negative couples, we ran into complications of infertility. I have a lot of non-HIV related health issues, including diabetes and polycystic ovaries that have contributed to my infertility status. With me being 45 and Henry 54, this also adds to our problem to conceive.
Because we have been in a financial hardship, we have not been able to go any further other than seeing an OBGYN and taking fertility pills every month. So far, it has been unsuccessful. We plan on giving it until the end of this year, and if the result remains the same, we will look into possibly becoming foster parents and/or adopting. I would prefer a child conceived from our love, but I will take him or her whichever way the good Lord grants us. There are so many orphaned children out there or children that need proper guidance and love, and we have so much love to give. Plus, in addition to my two children, I would like for Henry to experience all the crazy emotions that come with raising an infant.
Unfortunately, stigma still exists in today’s society. Both Henry and I experienced this firsthand. When I first introduced my kids to Henry, I did not want to tell them about his status yet. I wanted to let them get to know him as a person and not for what illness he had. My son was OK with me being with Henry as long as he made me happy, but my daughter fell absolutely in love with him within a short amount of time. When my ex-husband eventually found out about Henry being HIV positive, he went into a rage and tried everything he could to separate us. He even went as far as getting a court order to force me to either have my parenting visitations with my children (without Henry) at a court-ordered facility (paid by me) or to have them taken away from me altogether. As long as I decided to be with Henry, I was not allowed to spend time with my children like I used to be able to.
My health problems progressed to the point that I could no longer work. Henry and I could not afford the astronomical amount of money it took for me to see them for the time that I was allowed. It was three weeks straight without seeing, holding, or hugging my precious babies. My children (and Henry) are the reason I breathe, and not being able to tell them how much we loved them broke my heart so much that I went into a deep depression. I lost 20 pounds during the three weeks without them. I was only allowed to speak to my son and daughter once via telephone during our separation. My daughter was crying profusely. I still remember her trying to catch her breath while immensely sobbing, to tell me that her father had said Henry was “sick.” He also said that she and her brother could not see me anymore as long as Henry and I were still together. She was only eight years old at the time.
I filed a “Motion for Reconsideration” with the judge to reverse the ruling. Thanks to one of the most awesome law firms in town (Brad Ward with O’Hara & O’Hara) that took our case pro-bono, we were finally able to reverse the previous court’s decision. Within my immediate family, it took time for some of them to accept Henry as part of the family. My biggest supporter during that time was my 15-year-old niece. Without her, Henry, and God to give me the love and support that I desperately needed, things could have ended up worse than it already had.
On our first day together again as a family, I learned that my ex had brainwashed my son through telling him that it was my fault that all of this happened. He was 15 at the time. I eventually got my son to understand my side of the story, but I waited four months before he said he loved me again. My daughter was very excited to spend time with her mom and future step-dad again. My ex had told her prior to me picking them up that she was not allowed to give Henry kisses on the cheek or hug him, among other normal things.After sitting her down and educating her about HIV/AIDS (using information from the CDC), she instantly felt relieved and immediately gave Henry a hug and kiss on the cheek. Things have gotten much better between me, Henry, and the kids now. Sadly my ex is still trying to stigmatize them. Now that they are older, especially my daughter, they are finally starting to see the error of their father’s ways. Our youngest now attends local conferences with Henry, and she has two shirts she loves to wear with messages against HIV stigma.
Having this personal experience of almost losing my children over Henry’s HIV status, I am appalled that the government has removed children from asylum seeking families. We wanted to share our experience and story to help people see how much this hurts people. There is no good which may come from it. We condemn what has happened and is happening. We hope you will stand with us against practices like this which further stigma and ignorance about HIV. This practice is completely morally wrong.
Donna lives in Wichita, Kansas with her fiancé, Henry, and her children.